To tell you how it hurts?

In the middle of the rubble. In the middle of your war, I stood fast, I stood tall.

Creeping ever closer to the door, so afraid, that you would hear my footfall.

I make my long journey down the stairs, I listen and I wait.

Ready to flee, if the storm changes course.

I can’t hear that sound, that awful smash and bang.

I wish I could explain how I felt each and every one.

They carved the first cracks in my heart, my mind.

Why can’t you see how you’re tearing my world apart?

Don’t think I can’t see how broken you are, I’m not blind or stupid.

And I was there with you.

I know how badly so far, life has treated you.

But you are my rock, my warmth and I need you.

All this is something I just can’t put right for you, I am a child.

Both of yours.

I can’t help thinking though, if only you could have found just a little more strength.

So that, when he turned up, you could have kept your cool.

Wished I could have whispered to you, please mom, stay strong, it will be okay.

I didn’t think I could take it another day.

But as the time ticks on and he isn’t around.

I watch the fury build in your eyes and even though, it is only because you want more.

My stomach flips and drops to the floor.

Now we all know what will happen, when he does make it home.

We all feel that key, when he turns it in the lock.

I watch for my brothers gaze, but they have left already, just making up they’re excuses.

I give them five minutes and they can escape, this is for the best, so I’m told.

When he makes a stumble on his entrance, it’s not really funny at all.

I see how hard you try to humour him. I really do.

But, how can you laugh, when you are thinking of what he has done.

I watch all the emotions run over your face.

So I run, out of the door and up the stairs, knowing all hell’s about to break free.

I hear my dear brothers, one runs and one hides.

And I realise yet again. It’s me. It’s what I need to do.

Because I just can’t leave you.

My poor bruised Mom.

I reach out my hand to open the door.

With my stomach churning, I try to slow my breathing down.

My ears are burning as I hear each rotten word.

And I cringe as I hear things I just don’t want to hear.

Then I hear you Mom, your cry as you feel that familiar sting.

Then I feel the moment you try to get away from him.

But it’s all gone quiet now.

And I just can’t tell what I should really do.

Still, I remain faithful, tensing my shoulders as I reach for that door.

I was more scared at that moment than I hope to ever be again.

For as long as I shall be around.

As, with his hands around your throat, there you lay, on the floor.

You were blue and choking, but I tried to remain calm.

I am just a little girl I wanted to scream.

How can you do this to me you are both supposed to protect me.

Not this.

I just don’t think you would have heard me.

Could my dad really kill my mom!

I panic and lash out, with the first thing that will move.

It hits him and I suppose it kind of brought him to his senses.

Thank god. I hope one day you will thank me, because that was probably the bravest thing I will have ever done.

But my relief is short lived, as I realised his intention.

I start to back off and wonder, if maybe I had begged you. Dad would you have let go of her?

But as I take one last look, before I turn to run.

I see, as I look at him, there is no flicker of recognition for me.

He doesn’t see me at all.

I hope one day he will see, those demons he fights, should not be inflicted on us and especially not Mom.

So I run, hoping you won’t have enough energy, left.

The fight all but gone.

But I can hear you coming and somehow I find the will, to make myself stand still.

Oh how I fear that strike of his hand, but not its sting.

Only the damage it will forever inflict on my pride.

For, my father, maybe one day you will know that, you really cannot have it all.

And I used to be your one and only little girl.

Both of yours.

We three do so miss you.

Miss how it used to be.

Miss the time we should have had with you.

The time that was meant to teach us, how to grow and how to love.

I just wanted to tell you how much it hurt.